Twisted Temp
Everyone should ‘friends’ the Twisted Temp, and here is why (sadly, I did not write this)
Wednesday 06/09/2006
Be like me - become a temp
This is how you become a temp. You can go to an agency and pretend you want to be a PA in the entertainment industry because you love typing, fucking your boss and ghd ceramic hair straighteners. Have a look at Heat, wear something high street, carry a handbag. Feel the waves of self-loathing course over your body and remember this is for a higher cause: later you can go out round Soho and snort some Tequila up. You will have to wait in reception reading Heat and smiling then some girl called Claire wearing a camel roll neck and an engagement ring will make you do a typing test, a spelling test and act like she hates you. She does hate you, she’s a bitch: they all are.
Fill out a form and say you know how to do PowerPoint presentations and ghd. For the next three weeks you will have to ring Claire on a daily basis asking in a high bubbly voice if there’s any work. Your name will be spelt wrongly at the bottom of a list on a white board; they won’t give you any work until they’re desperate. On the morning after you have been up all night sexing a man you met at an illegal Tiki bar the phone will ring at 8.42am it’s Claire saying there is a job can you be there at 9 it’s in Wimbledon. You go wearing last night’s make-up and the wrong pants, get lost, get there late and sweating out the Tequila. A girl with a bob will point you at an empty desk and say there are some urgent envelopes that need stuffing. No one will show you the toilets and you are earning £6.24 an hour not including lunch. If you try to make small talk by mentioning this mental nu-Gabba DJ trio your friend knows they will go all weird and smile and then you wont be asked back and be depressed and stay in bed masturbating.
For some reason after a while you will start getting semi-permanent jobs at media companies. You will have to go in every day for 9 and operate a switchboard and go on the internet all day thinking about death. Cheer yourself up by turning up in a series of startling outfits; wear fluorescent hold ups, eyeliner and secretary shoes. After working there for 4 months with no one speaking to you the IT man will ask you to the pub with everyone on a Friday. Turn it down, there is a bet on about whether you will do anal. Keep going to work reading Madame Bovary on the tube. After a while your soul will be crying out for something more. You will start going to the opera and seeing exhibitions about ancient pens at the British Library. When you tell people you meet you want to be an actress but are doing reception for a new media agency they will look knowing. Every night you will have to snort Tequila to forget, come in to work still wasted and puke up in the bin. No one will care; you are nothing. Eventually you will start a clandestine affair with a bespectacled member of the graphic design team based on filthy talk on the MSN Messenger. People start to wink at you; he has won the bet. Congratulations, you are now a temp.
www.myspace.com/twistedtemp
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